I realize that most journal entries I make here are sad ones. I don’t publish the happy ones because mostly they feel like blowing my own trumpet; but more importantly there isn’t much soul-searching content there. As much as I wish that the soul searching, healing and re-inventing happens on the happier plane of life, the dips in the graph are where the keys to progress lie.
We’ve all been at a place where life moves forward on first gear – quite a lot happening beneath the surface but the speed is out of question. Nothing really moves forward and the motivation to keep going without seeing results wears increasingly thin. And at such times, the mindful of us exert extra pressure to keep ourselves positive and thankful despite everything because we’re too aware to let ourselves slide. Thank God for whatever little self-discipline I’ve managed to incorporate into my being – it truly keeps me functioning at times like these. It makes me believe that the line between clinical depression and fluctuating levels of sadness could as well be self-discipline. (I’m no expert though.)
What I’m specifically thankful for today, however, is the freedom to take things slow when the first gear won’t shift. Often we are obligated to push ourselves out of the slow zone and power through because a lot depends on it. I don’t say I haven’t been so obligated – I have – but at this point I’ve been awarded the luxury of time and space. I can decide to lay back and not indulge simply because the momentary preference is to sit cross legged at the foot of the bed and sulk. And that’s what I do.
In one of her interviews, Angelina Jolie was asked what message she’d give to someone who’s going through a tough time right now and she said “go right through it.” It has stuck with me that truly, the only way out is through. The other paths don’t really lead to liberation in the long run. But to go through, it takes a great deal of time and patience that we sometimes cannot afford. At this moment, I’m thankful that the isolated solace of going through the turmoil in my head to eventually find a way out has been granted to me. Little things that matter much, yes?
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