Its one of those times when my faith is tested to its limits, again. There’s a line in one of my favourite devotional songs from Bollywood that goes ‘Bhakti ko shakti do’, which means ‘give power to devotion’. It implies that if we pray hard enough, that could be our superpower. I have believed firmly that devotion or prayer is all the power we truly have – for all else can be taken away from us at any moment. At times of hardship, all we can do is pray until the light at the end of the tunnel is visible and hope that we eventually get through. But here I am, and not for the first time, wondering if prayer is after all a form of false hope that has been inflicted upon us by equally helpless people from previous generations. No matter how hard and how consistently we pray, sometimes the prayers go unheard and all hope seems lost.
Understandably, its not a good place to be. The wavering faith resulting from disappointment and heartbreak plays a lot of tricks on the mind. And what’s worse than that is the lack of safe space to express the turmoil within. It’s beyond tiring to put up a strong facade day in and out and have neither the time nor the support system to break down once and for all.
Is it, after all, my explicit talent to self-sabotage at play? Or am I only a victim of circumstances? Regardless of the cause, the consequence is a painfully messed up state of mind that allows neither any scope for solution nor any hope for further prayer. All I can do at this point is stay and endure the distasteful circumstance designed well to excruciate me. Not to mention, the complete and utter lack of control over the turn of events in my own life feels just great.
What higher form enjoys this desperation that we exert, it alone knows. I cannot help but get back to the basic question of destiny vs. free will and wonder if I must continue praying after all, for nothing else is really an option for me, or give in and endure for as long as I can without breaking down. Carpe diem?
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