An internal struggle that I am grappling with since a long time with little progress is the tendency to self sabotage. When things are seemingly ‘normal’, an existential dread seeps in and makes me aware that nothing can ever truly last. The fundamental nature of life and time is to ebb and flow; so there might come a time when things aren’t so normal or good anymore, and God knows how I’ll deal with that. This foreboding kills the joy and serenity that come with the good experiences in life and I cannot express how much I hate it.
I do wonder why the world is designed as such, why good times cannot last and why bad is inevitable even when people keep to themselves and stay good. Sure, the wondrous unpredictability is what makes life worth living but the likes of me are collateral damage this design bears. We are keenly aware that life, as it is, is perfect and we wouldn’t change a thing; and yet we cannot come to terms with why there must be dips in the graph. A strange predicament to harbour.
These thoughts stop me in my tracks and restrict me from truly enjoying my blessings. It also makes me ask “why after all?” to pretty much everything. I hate it. I hate that despite the awareness of the very nature of life and time, I cannot simply accept what is and have to spend isolated moments of reflection that ultimately yield nothing.
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