Journal entry – priceless vulnerability

Presence of mind can sometimes be an atrocious thing. Awareness of the self, despite being one of the most celebrated ideals in spirituality, can in fact be the source of our worst miseries. Because after all, no matter how self aware or self controlled we assume we are, our thoughts are not under our control. We do not want to have certain thoughts, but they persist anyways and the awareness of their unwelcome existence in our minds could be the biggest source of dissatisfaction in oneself.

After all, he who has a personality is at risk of losing it or going astray. The celebrated aspects of personal development, while expanding our understanding of the world and deepening our experiences, also put us on the edge of our emotions and often manage to thrust us down the edge as well. With great privilege of self awareness comes the great liability of vulnerability – and I do not assume anyone has successfully mastered the art of balanced vulnerability.

Maybe the Buddhists are right after all. Complete abstinence from all forms of emotional stimuli and their repercussions is probably after all the one way to happiness. The harder we hustle to build a personality, the deeper we fall into the pit of our own mind when a trigger goes off. Though the importance of an emotionally aware personality is indubitable, the price we pay for it sometimes draws the bow much farther behind – close enough to snap. It’s one of those days, where the priceless vulnerability that adds dimensions to everyday experiences turns the table and widens the scary void in the mind. ~

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