Journal entry – drawn to toxicity

I think there’s a very specific type of personality that is secretly, or even evidently sometimes, is constantly drawn to subtle toxicity. We may or may or not realize it but we always seek what evades us and in turn leaves us hurting. Because that pain is our biggest motivator and we thrive best when we’re heartbroken.

It feels strange to be even putting it out like this but I’ve come to observe this pattern not just in myself but in a few people I know. Most of the times, we realize that the consequence to a specific action we’re about to make shall be hurtful or unfulfilling; and yet we do it anyway. We exert zero efforts in displaying some self discipline and protecting ourselves from the foreseen pain. Call it self sabotage or some other fancy name but I think we do it because on some level we’re aware that we can harness that pain and channel it to something else.

It’s been proven time and again that pain or heartbreak is indeed the biggest motivator in life, depending on its intensity of course. It’s a trampoline that often pushes you out of your boundaries and makes you do things that you wouldn’t otherwise. It’s that terrible yet addicting drug that makes everything else feel shallow. Once you witness the kind of results that pain produces when channelled right, you consciously or sub-consciously seek it out.

Thriving in toxicity is a sad addiction but a strong one nonetheless. I heard it somewhere that you get bored of being happy all the time. I get it big time. It just gives me peace to know there are people like me out there and we self sabotage our way into something worthwhile.