Journal entry – chasing toxicity!

The brightest, most sorted of minds are perhaps occasionally attracted to toxicity. Makes me feel so much better about myself to know. Being attracted to a feeling of lack induced by something/someone when everything else is seemingly fine is a toxic trait I’ve been long since been guilty of. Worse still, perhaps one I’ll still hold on to. Despite the awareness of wanting to lean towards positivity, there is always this battle with attraction to toxicity that kind of completes me. Mostly because I’ve learnt to embrace and have fun with it. A sentient mind with a reserved corner for a devil’s workshop; it’s a fun place to be.

It does drain the sanity of the mind when it surfaces unwelcome most often in isolation. The fact that we, despite being aware of it, end up seeking and chasing a feeling of lack induced by something that we know is toxic is an excruciating thing. What makes us chase a sense of void or lack? What in the psychological stream of things justifies a search for imbalance of the mind?

Perhaps we don’t look for it; we end up accepting the unfavourable state of affairs and give it a facade of having done it willingly. After all, it is cooler to believe and tell ourselves that we’re in control of even the negative things that happens to us and it defines a dark side of our personality. I do not believe anyone consciously seeks it out; we just end up colouring it all in the tranquilizing hue of choice. No, I’m perhaps not chasing this toxicity; I’m only accepting it.


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