Journal entry – spiraling day

It’s one of those days when the mind refutes every conscious intent you set for yourself because there’s one thing that it was catered to it the way it pictured. With every pause it takes, it goes back to the dreadful reality of a wish unfulfilled and wanders into the sad territories you do not want to lean towards. Why is it so hard to sustain intent, so much so that you’re left guessing and repenting your lack of control over the loitering state of mind. The conscience picks up on the vanity of it, the temporary nature of it but isn’t efficient enough to break through and keep pushing. And that just makes things worse,

Moving on from a bitter experience is one of the hardest internal journeys one can go through. And the coping mechanisms are not always healthy and the conscience isn’t strong enough to refrain from toxic options. More often than not we spiral, lash out and self sabotage leading to stretching the healing process further away. There’s no sharing your deepest thoughts with loved ones, nor is there a way of letting it out naturally. It rots within, encompassing the healthy ideals in its stench until, the only solution of it all – time – takes over. Until that happens, everyday is a struggle and everyday is a challenge that we can live through one at a time. This is one such day and this is one way I’m venting out.

Being conscious about all this and yet feeling helpless about making ourselves feel better makes it so much worse. You want to hope that things will get better but at the moment it’s not a practical possibility. Distractions are a short lived, pointless options that sometimes fail terribly. Venting it out is perhaps the only current option, and waiting. Waiting for time to make it better on its own. And hoping I have enough strength to simply wait without making moves of self sabotage.


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